One Last Love Page 2

  ‘I understand. Hospitals are a bit like that….. Well, enjoy you’re lunch.’

  ‘Thanks,’ he said as she moved on without any fuss to serve the next bed. As she had done every other day of his stay. He had never found out her name, but she was weekdays. She was never weekends. The white walls of his small single ward felt like they were closing in as he wondered if the room had shrunk. It seemed so much bigger all those weeks ago. Now, he was ready to leave this room that had taken on the feeling of a cell, as it didn’t feel at all like a good place to die. He thought about the garden Dr. McManus had mentioned. A much better place.

  *****

  Bonnie’s mind drifted throughout the afternoon. Perhaps due to the changes in his medication. Sometimes while dozing and then at times wide awake and alert. The thought of his immanent death pushed out of his mind completely as he was far too occupied processing his past. The thought crossing his mind that he was picking his way through an old box of photos he had stumbled across in the attic while looking for something else. His youth now feeling as if it was only days ago. A year ago feeling lost in eternity. Today feeling like it had lasted forever.

  Colin raced into his mind, then left and was suddenly replaced by his own old school friends arriving and leaving in seconds. Jobs that lasted and those that didn’t sped by as lovers and sluts came and went. Old mates and bitter enemies, and those who had been both. His young wild days fuelled by booze, anger and intolerance, when picking a fight was a late Friday night ritual after closing time – with anyone who was different. His bigger and taller drinking mates getting in the first punches and then him digging in the boots to finish them off. Blacks, foreigners or queers being first in line, but if there were none of them on offer, any wanker would do. A suit and tie in his public bar was enough. How he hated arseholes in suits.

  Carol’s funeral flashed through his mind – when he couldn’t shed a single tear for her, and of the looks of hatred for him on the faces of her family that had had him hoping they would all rot in hell. Then drinking with his mates afterwards, who wished him a happy future with every new glass that arrived on the bar. How wrong they were. His weeks after the funeral lost in a mire of drunkenness, angry neighbours and police. The young smart arsed bank teller, who lived two doors up the street, knocking on his door and telling him to pull himself together. Then grabbing a hammer and smashing all the windows of the young wanker’s shiny new foreign car. When the police locked him up for two days, he didn’t care.

  ‘As this is your first offence Mr. Mayfield and taking into account the circumstances leading up to it, I have decided to impose a two thousand dollar fine. You are fortunate to have escaped a custodial sentence.’

  Paying the fine didn’t appease his neighbours, but selling his house and moving north did. Finding new drinking friends to drown his sorrows with didn’t take long. He liked drinking in the outdoor beer garden on long hot afternoons and warm evenings, sharing his anger and spite with new friends of the same ilk. All bitter and sharp tongued, but getting too old to use their fists anymore. There had been a couple of women since he’d moved north, but he couldn’t recall their names. Maybe he hadn’t bothered to ask.

  ‘It’s cancer Bonnie,’ rang in his ears.

  Bonnie shook his head trying to clear the fog of faces and the melange of memories. He didn’t want any of this, but it seemed his mind was intent on filing everything in perfect order before it was to be wiped clean by death.

  ‘Daddy, read Shep for me.’

  *****

  ‘Let’s get you ready then Bonnie,’ the nurse said cheerfully as she made notes in Bonnie’s file. ‘Your driver’s due at five.’

  ‘Taxi?’

  ‘Sorry. Ambulance.’

  ‘Oh well, can’t have everything I s’pose.’

  ‘You’ll enjoy the change of scenery I’m sure. It’s much nicer there. It’s all a bit sterile here.’

  ‘Have to agree with you about that, but it won’t be a long stay. Funny you know, in a way I’m looking forward to it.’

  ‘It’s a very nice place.’

  ‘No, death I meant. I’ve had enough.’

  ‘You have a lot on your mind.’

  ‘Prefer not to really.’

  ‘Well, come on. Let’s get you out of that bed and ready for your transfer,’ the nurse said kindly but clearly not wanting to get closer or involved. Bonnie didn’t blame her. Instead he marvelled at her strength. She must have seen this a thousand times, and yet she could still smile. He wondered if she was married. As nurses never wore any jewellery it was hard to know. As he was about to ask, he decided against it. It wasn’t his right to invade her privacy.

  ‘Do you like cricket?’ he asked instead.

  ‘Rugby for me.’

  ‘So you wouldn’t know the score from Lords then?

  ‘Two hundred and seven for three last time I checked.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ she smiled. ‘Ok, up you get. Nice and slow.’ He stood up, shakily at first, but steadied by the nurse he made the few steps to the wheel chair by holding her arm firmly, then dropped into the chair. ‘Ready?’

  ‘Got ‘em queued up then. In a hurry to get me out?’

  ‘There’s always a queue. Now, I’ll grab your bag.’

  ‘Oh, Mrs Lloyd got my things?’

  ‘Yes, she dropped in an hour or so ago. She popped your keys in the side pocket of you bag.’

  ‘I’m sorry I missed her. I must’ve been sleeping. Please thank her for me will you?’

  ‘Will do. Now, ready Bonnie?’

  ‘Could we just stop by Mr. Baker’s ward on the way out. He’s been very kind and dropped in on me from time to time. Nice chap. Just like to say farewell.’

  ‘I’m very sorry Bonnie. Mr. Baker passed away yesterday afternoon.’

  ‘Oh well,’ he said after a moment’s silence. ‘Guess I’m a bit luckier huh?’

  ‘Good way to look at it.’

  ‘Alright. I’m ready then,’ he said as the nurse started wheeling him towards the elevators. ‘Um, can I ask you something?’ he asked as they stopped and waited for the elevator to arrive.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘How do you handle it?’

  ‘Handle what?’

  ‘Death.’

  ‘Just have to. It’s part of my job,’ she said calmly. ‘But there are…..,’ she started to say but the elevator doors opened and two nurses greeted her with polite niceties before she wheeled Bonnie in. They descended the two floors in silence accompanied by three orderlies.

  ‘It’s over here,’ was all she said once they exited the elevator and headed towards the waiting ambulance. Bonnie didn’t reply. He felt small vibrations in his wheelchair coming from what looked like a perfectly smooth white floor that was rushing below his feet planted on the chair’s footrest. The white turning black suddenly as the floor finished and the ramp down to his waiting ambulance appeared under his feet.’

  ‘Hello Mr. Mayfield,’ a smiling ambulance officer said as they neared. She looked hardly old enough to drive in his estimation.

  ‘Mr. Mayfield prefers to be called Bonnie,’ the nurse said from behind him before he could answer himself.

  ‘Alright. So are you ready for a little trip then Bonnie?’ she asked in voice that dripped of platitudes. He decided a grunt would suffice for agreement.

  ‘One, two, three, up,’ she said as the other officer helped her lift Bonnie onto the ambulance stretcher bed. Her childish voice annoying Bonnie. ‘Comfy there Bonnie?’ she asked after loading him into the ambulance and then securing two belts across his chest and legs. He replied with just a nod as he watched the ward nurse walk back inside pushing the empty wheel chair. He understood why she wasn’t one for goodbyes. Once the doors closed it was only a minute or two before he was on his way. Carol’s face bouncing across the white roof of the ambulance.

  ‘Piss off,’ he thought to himself before closing his eyes to make her disappear.

  ‘All ok back there?’ the male ambulance officer asked above the hum of the motor.

  ‘Fine thanks,’ He managed to reply in a voice loud enough to be heard, but was enough of a strain to start a coughing fit. It subsided minutes later as he felt the ambulance slowing. And then to a stop. His last.

  The two ambulance officers must have understood Bonnie was not in a talkative mood as they helped him from the stretcher bed onto another wheel chair. An orderly in a blue tunic waiting to take over once he was installed in the chair. Bonnie stared at the orderly who wore what looked like a plastic half smile glued to his face. Luckily a friendlier face appeared, carried atop a body of robust proportions.

  ‘Hello Bonnie, I’m Odele,’ she said as she offered her hand to shake. Bonnie responded and found a firm and friendly handshake.

  ‘Nice to meet you,’ he said not knowing what else to say.

  ‘Come on then, let’s get you inside,’ she said and gestured for the orderly to start pushing. She waved politely to the ambulance officers as they turned to leave.

  ‘I’m told that you have a garden where I can have a smoke.’

  ‘You’re well informed. Do you have cigarettes?’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t plan this very well did I?’ he laughed.

  ‘No, not well at all,’ she smiled. ‘I’ll see what I can do for you though.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘There’s the dining room,’ Odele said as they made their way though. ‘And the living room is here on the right. Help yourself to the books and magazines.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘And the nurses’ station is just over there. Anything you need, just ask. Ok?’

  ‘You’re well organised.’

  ‘We try our best. Now, here we are,’ she said as she opened the door to his room. The difference from his hospital ward being obvious at first glance. Floor to ceiling windows giving onto a small field lined with trees, and a small terrace complete with two floral deck chairs and a garden table. A bed, with a small television overhead, a two seater sofa with a low coffee table and aside to the left, a small writing desk and chair.

  ‘Your bathroom is though here,’ Odele said as she opened the door.

  ‘Most impressive. It’s more like a hotel.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be comfortable. Now, I’ll let Paul help you get your things unpacked and I’ll see if I can find some smokes for you.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you.’

  ‘No problem, see you soon. Oh, by the way, Dr, McManus will be calling by about seven. Dinner is at around six-thirty in the dining room but if you’re not feeling up to it, you can have it in your room.’

  ‘I’ll give the dining room a try I think.’

  ‘Great. It’ll give you a chance to meet a few of the others. I’ll be back soon.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  The orderly, who Bonnie now knew was Paul, helped him from the wheel chair and onto the side of the bed.

  ‘I’d prefer the sofa if that’s alright.’

  ‘Sure. No problem,’ Paul replied and helped him over to the sofa. ‘I’ll put your things in here,’ he said as he pointed to a chest of drawers.

  ‘Thanks. That’s fine.’

  ‘The rose garden’s just out the door here and to your right,’ Paul said as he opened the glass sliding door to the terrace in front of Bonnie’s room. ‘Would you like me to leave the door open for a while?’

  ‘Yes, thank you. It’s a nice breeze.’

  ‘Anytime you need anything, just press the call buttons. There’s one near you bed, another just beside you there next to the sofa. There’s one on your writing desk and another in the bathroom.’

  ‘Thank you. I’ll try not to be a pest.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sure you won’t be. So can I get you anything?’

  ‘No. Thanks. I’ll just get myself comfortable and rest for a little while.’

  ‘Ok. I’ll be back a little later.’

  Bonnie changed his mind about Paul and his first impression that he was wearing a plastic smile. He was probably just as uncomfortable as Bonnie felt when he got out of the ambulance. Or had seen new arrivals too many times. There was little for him to do other than get used to his new abode, but he decided to see what he could manage. He shuffled his backside along to the other end of the sofa and grabbed for the walking frame sitting beside it. With a bit of effort and one or two false starts, he managed to stand, steadying himself with the frame. It hardly seemed only six weeks ago that he had taken the bus from home and walked into the hospital without any effort. It was only supposed to be for a few days as Dr. Phillips had booked him in for some tests with a view to changing his treatment. Unfortunately the tests revealed several new tumours, so his stay was prolonged. After three weeks, he knew that things were getting grim as he felt his body weakening and walking became very difficult. It was then that he started using a walking frame to get around the hospital, and go outdoors on the odd occasion for a smoke.

  But it had been about ten days now that he hadn’t been able to move around without the help of the nurses. He stumbled a little with his first tentative step with the frame, then managed a second step. Heading towards the bathroom.

  ‘Let’s see if I can manage a piss by myself,’ he mumbled to himself as he started off. After a great deal of effort, he made it to the bathroom and with the help of his frame to keep him steady, he managed his task. He watched as the tinges of blood in his urine passed into the bowl, reminding him of why he was here. With more effort, he flushed away the offending reminder and washed his hands, then made back for his room. Stopping a moment to check his things in the chest of drawers. He discovered that Mrs Lloyd had made good choices. Jeans, t-shirts, pullovers, underwear, socks and three pairs of sneakers. Alongside was his backpack she had packed his things in. He checked to see if there was anything else inside, but it was empty. He felt that there was something in the outside pocket. He unzipped it and found two packets of cigarettes and a lighter she must have found in his bedside table. He smiled at her find, then slipped one packet and the lighter into his cardigan pocket.

  Bonnie shuffled his feet between the legs of the frame and headed for the door to his terrace. Knowing he probably didn’t have the energy to make it to the rose garden, he decided on a deckchair on his terrace instead. And a smoke.

  It took some more effort but Bonnie finally plopped onto the deck chair and being a little lower than the sofa, he immediately knew he might have a problem getting out of it. But for the time being he was comfortable and after catching his breath after a coughing fit, he waited for his breathing to settle down. When it did, he reached for his cigarettes and lit a smoke. The first puff filling his lungs and going straight to his head. It had been over a week since he’d had a smoke, so he felt a little lightheaded. He took another long puff and savoured the flavour in his mouth. Then coughed violently.

  ‘They’ll kill you, you know,’ a voice from nowhere said. Coming from behind Bonnie from the pathway alongside the building, he couldn’t see who was talking.

  ‘Well, they’d better hurry up and do it,’ Bonnie said to the unknown voice.

  ‘Just arrived then?’ the voice asked as a man in a wheel chair pulled up alongside Bonnie. ‘I’m Danny by the way.’

  ‘Yes, just an hour or so ago. I’m Bonnie.’

  ‘Nice to meet you Bonnie. I only arrived two days ago.’

  ‘You wanna smoke?’

  ‘Thanks no, I don’t smoke. Tried lots of times but just didn’t like the taste.’

  ‘Probably a good thing. Once they get you hooked, you’re done for.’

  ‘So are they why you’re here?’

  ‘You’re direct.’

  ‘One of my faults I’m sorry.’

  ‘Better than beating around the bush, I reckon.’

  ‘Well? The fags got you then?’

  ‘Probably didn’t help, but more to do with a lot of poisonous shit I used to work with. Didn’t know about the dangers back then, or weren’t told more likely.’

  ‘Yeah. Same happened with my granddad. Asbestos.’

  ‘Had a few friends with that asbestosis. Hell, we used to live in asbestos houses. Whole suburbs of ‘em. Didn’t have any idea they were dangerous,’ Bonnie said and coughed for a minute, then took another puff of his cigarette. ‘Anyway, cancer’s as common as mud now. Just a shame when it gets kids. So that’s why you’re here too? Cancer?’

  ‘Na Bonnie. Aids.’

  ‘Aids huh? Thought you looked a bit young.’

  ‘Thirty-seven a couple of weeks back.’

  ‘Well I made it to seventy-eight so I can’t complain. Um, Aids? So you’re a pufta then?’

  ‘Sorry? Not sure what you mean?’

  ‘Homo, queer.’

  ‘Oh, homosexual, yes. Does it offend you?’

  ‘Not sure. Probably would’ve a few years back. From a different generation I s’pose. It was all kept in the closet back then along with the priests and the choir boys. Just something you didn’t talk about. Worked with a bloke who was a pufta once. Got the shit kicked out of himself by a bunch of blokes one Saturday night. He died a week later.’

  ‘Not a lot’s changed Bonnie. Had quite a few friends who got bashed. Never heard the word pufta before though. Thought I’d heard them all,’ Danny laughed.

  ‘Well, different time and place.’ Bonnie said while thinking about his younger days and how different their meeting would’ve been back then. ‘So you had this Aids thing long?’

  ‘Been battling it for about ten years.’

  ‘Sorry to hear.’

  ‘And you?

  ‘Only about six years really, so can’t complain,’ he said and the silence that often greets new acquaintances who know little about each other followed. Bonnie took the last puff of his cigarette and looked around for an ashtray. He coughed again and finding no ashtray, let the butt just drop to the ground, as he thought about his mates drinking in a beer garden somewhere right now. They’d laugh into their beer if they knew he was talking to a queer.

  ‘You don’t like gays then?’

  ‘You want an honest answer?’