The Adventures of HAL: The Second Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 2) Read online

  ‘There are always those who disagree with our faith. However it is my responsibility to ensure Papal authority is manifest in civilised societies.’

  ‘Do you believe this to be possible again in England?’

  ‘One never loses hope.’

  Urban had done his homework and in two meetings with Calvino Gregorian, they had agreed that the outlawing of the powerful Star Chamber in England may present them with opportunities to expand Gloth’s interests on Erde. Since the days of Pope Gregory the Thirteenth, progress made by the Vatican in territorial conquest had been reasonable. Albeit slowly and at great expense to the Vatican. Calvino had told Urban that Gloth believed greater returns could be made by influencing the newer and emerging counties outside of the Vatican’s power base in Europe. In this endeavour, the Palace on Gloth was open to investing in a new powerful body that may operate at a state and political level. This would allow the Vatican to continue influencing by means of faith. There was no doubt that Glothic power would still be represented on Erde by the Papacy however, and any new arm of Glothic control would be overseen by the Vatican in association with Calvino Gregorian’s family and their business interests.

  ‘Oh wonderful. Our tea has arrived,’ Urban said as three of his servants entered with an assortment of little afternoon delights. Ashtoke sensed the Pope was playing some odd mind game with him, but could only wait to see where their meeting was heading − after the Pope had finished enjoying his afternoon treats and detailing what wonderful summers Rome had compared to England. Finally after more than thirty minutes of tempting morsels and small talk about the weather, Urban seemed to think it was time to get down to business.

  ‘The Archbishop informed me that your court of law has been abolished by your Parliament.’

  ‘Yes, Your Holiness. The Star Chamber, or Camera Stellata as we prefer, has after hundreds of years of loyal service been outlawed by a group of Protestant parliamentarians.’

  ‘Oh, you prefer Latin?’

  ‘Indeed, Your Holiness. English is hardly an acceptable language for the ruling class.’

  ‘My view entirely. Latin, or French perhaps. But English really is a language for the barbarians I’ve always thought. Now. What do you plan to do about your abolished court?’

  ‘The members of the Camera Stellata are committed to continue their duty, and will ignore this treasonous act of the English Parliament. We are now working towards forming a more influential body. Not only dealing with matters of justice, but also with matters of state. We believe that security and prosperity can only be achieved if the entity of the state is protected from the aberrations of cyclical politicians and leaders.’

  ‘Such as your problem with Puritans elected to your government.’

  ‘Yes. There will always be the undesirable element under any form of government where representation of the masses is tolerated. We would like to ensure that these elements are controlled and limit their ability to upset the systems that have been developed over centuries to ensure wealth and security.’

  ‘And of the monarchs?’

  ‘We see a similar problem there with all too constant changes as a result of inexperienced heirs being charged with responsibilities beyond their capacity.’

  ‘So you wish to influence the decisions of these political groups?’

  ‘Not necessarily. We are more of the view that a strong state can control such elements. Our aim is to support states who are understanding of the principles of good governance.’

  ‘And those who are not?’

  ‘To replace them with those who are.’

  ‘I see,’ Urban said after a pause. ‘Would you care for a short tour Lord Ashtoke? There is something I would like to show you.’

  ‘Most certainly, Your Holiness.’

  Urban led the way as the two men ambled slowly at the elderly Pope’s pace, through the corridors of the Vatican until they arrived at a rather unspectacular door. Urban opened it and invited Ashtoke to follow. A set of stone stairs in front of them descended below the Vatican. Urban handed Ashtoke a lantern to help light his way. After an hour of slowly descending, they arrived at Urban’s destination.

  ‘Where are we?’ Ashtoke asked.

  ‘The Cavern of Clavius. It’s a place you need to see before we discuss any cooperation we can offer your Camera Stellata.’

  Urban opened the heavy door with difficulty but brushed away Ashtoke’s gestures to assist. It seemed to Ashtoke that there was a degree of reverence to be observed and this door opening business was clearly for Popes only. He waited patiently still not knowing what to expect. As the door opened he could see that it was a library or museum as he noticed there were bookshelves and displays of astronomical equipment.

  ‘Are you familiar with the studies of Christopher Clavius, Lord Ashtoke?’ Urban asked just a little breathlessly.

  ‘I’m afraid I am not, Your Holiness.’

  ‘Well, please follow me and I will explain.’

  As they walked, Urban told Ashtoke a little about Clavius, Pope Gregory the Thirteenth and all the wonderful work they had both done with calendars. Ashtoke nodded politely, but was rather bored with Urban’s long explanation about the previous Julian Calendar, which lost accuracy by a full day every one hundred and thirty-four years. He was cheered however when Urban finished his story, started moving again, and told Ashtoke that they were nearly there. Ashtoke just wondered what there was, and once there, what would there be? There.

  They stopped in front of another big, heavy door, and again he very politely left the door opening business to the Pope. Urban was having difficulty with the large bolt and Ashtoke resisted his temptation to assist, until Urban gave him his cue.

  ‘Oh this thing is so old and rusty. Could you give me a little assistance Lord Ashtoke?’

  ‘Certainly Your Holiness,’ he replied and immediately helped heave the bolt to the right and then in opening the door. Urban led Ashtoke through the now successfully opened door into the chamber and then turned to see the look on Ashtoke’s face.

  Ashtoke’s jaw dropped as he craned his neck higher and higher. In front of him was a very black and extremely tall object. Reaching more than twenty times his height, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He stood staring for some moments before he finally asked Pope Urban the obvious question.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘It’s the Gregorian Dodecahedron.’

  ‘I see Your Holiness. It’s very black.’

  ‘Yes Lord Ashtoke. It is reputed to be blackest of blacks in the universe.’

  ‘I see,’ Ashtoke replied without understanding a single iota of what was going on.

  ‘We have never been informed as to how this Dodecahedron was constructed, but we do know that the twelve faces of the Dodecahedron represent the twelve facets of the Gregorian family traits.’

  Once again Ashtoke said, ‘I see,’ without comprehending anything at all.

  ‘These traits are held within the Dodecahedron and are transferred to each new Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, who are of course always a decedent of Pope Gregory the Thirteenth and therefore a member of the Gregorian Royal Family.’

  Admitting defeat, Ashtoke ceased saying, ‘I see,’ and went for a more sensible approach.

  ‘Gloth?’

  ‘It’s a planet Lord Ashtoke.

  ‘A planet?’ Ashtoke said, clearly underlining his inability to grasp anything that was going on.

  ‘Yes. It’s just behind Jupiter. Can’t see it from here, but it’s where all the decisions are made. We like to refer to it as heaven. Keeps all the faithful quite happy.’

  ‘Planet, heaven, Jupiter? I am so sorry Your Holiness, but it seems I am a little confused.’

  ‘Yes. I understand. Perhaps I can explain a little to you on our return to my chambers. It’s a long way back up, so we’ll have plenty of time.’

  ‘Can I touch it?’

  ‘Certainly.’

  Ashtoke touched the Dodec
ahedron with his right hand. Nothing happened.

  ‘Nothing happened.’

  ‘Good. Now we both know you are not Gregorian,’ Pope Urban said with a smile. ‘Shall we go?’

  ‘Yes Your Holiness. Certainly.’

  On the return journey, Urban tried to explain the historical facts about a Glothic program called Hybridised Uniform Manipulation And Naturalisation, or HUMAN for short and how the responsibility for the entire program was given to the Glothic Oversight Detachment, or better known as GOD. Ashtoke did well to stop his jaw from dropping to the floor in reaction to this enlightenment. Further details from Urban followed about how Ugo Boncompagni, who was to become Pope Gregory the Thirteenth, and a close associate of December the Ninth, Supreme Potentate of Gloth, married December’s daughter and went on to replace December the Ninth as the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, did however have Ashtoke’s jaw moving uncontrollably south.

  He regained just enough composure to say, ‘I don’t know what to say Your Holiness.’

  ‘Yes. I thought it might be a surprise Lord Ashtoke. When we arrive back up in the Vatican, I would like you to meet Calvino Gregorian. He’s Pope Gregory’s grandson and looks after matters for Gloth here on Erde. I have discussed your Camera Stellata idea with him, and he is most interested in hearing more about your ideas.’

  ‘A Pope’s grandson?’ Ashtoke replied in shock.

  ‘Yes,’ Urban said breathlessly as the return climb took its toll on his respiration.

  Business

  Refreshed with more tea after their long descent and return ascent, Pope Urban and Lord Ashtoke were joined in the Pope’s chambers by Calvino Gregorian. Lord Ashtoke’s immediate impression was that this gentleman was rather, well unusual, if not even odd.

  Calvino Gregorian, may I present Lord Henry Ashtoke, President of the Camera Stellata,’ Urban said politely and very formally by way of making the necessary introductions.

  Ashtoke hesitated before saying, ‘Delighted to meet you Mr Gregorian,’ although he was still quite thrown by Gregorian.

  ‘The pleasure is certainly mine Lord Ashtoke. I’ve heard much about you from His Holiness. I trust we can do business.’

  Ashtoke had never heard the expression; ‘do business’ so was thrown even further off balance. As if being presented to a, well he presumed, a man, dressed in attire that was to say the least, odd, he now as it seemed, had to translate utterances from this Gregorian gentleman. ‘Indeed,’ was all that he could think of saying in reply. Ashtoke had never seen long hair on a man before. Wigs yes, but this odd fellow was wearing his very own brownish wavy hair that ended and sat rather awkwardly and unkempt on his shoulders. He was also dressed in a totally alien way.

  ‘Sorry my Lord. I know denim jeans and old concert t-shirts may be a bit new to you, but this is all the fashion on Gloth right now.’

  ‘Yes. Indeed,’ Ashtoke struggled once more as he looked towards the floor.

  ‘Joggers.’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘My shoes. They’re called joggers. For jogging,’ Calvino explained.

  ‘I see,’ Ashtoke muttered, still in shock.

  ‘So, tell me more about this, what’s it called, Camera Stellata? I know some influential people on Gloth are very interested.’

  Ashtoke snapped back to reality. Just a little. ‘Yes sir. We’re a group of concerned citizens. Primarily with the unfortunate advance of Protestant politics and the threat of instability and the undermining of the ruling class.’

  ‘Excellent,’ Calvino said not seeming the slightest bit interested in Protestant politics. ‘Now, do you think you can manage to sort out this odd little planet and bring some sense and logic to the way it’s managed?’

  ‘I’m sorry sir. I don’t fully understand what you mean precisely,’ which was a way for Ashtoke to say that he was hopelessly lost in this conversation.

  ‘My Lord, I believe what Mr Gregorian is trying to tell you is that Gloth takes a very dim view of planets without a supreme leader, or at the very least a supreme ruling council. We on Erde have been − well, a disappointment.’

  ‘Yes.’ Calvino added. ‘There’s no other planet in the whole Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth that’s so badly run. We’d be very amenable to anyone who could bring some sanity to Erde’s governance. We’ve invested a lot of time and money in this Erdean project and there’s considerable pressure coming from the Grand Council to return a reasonable profit.’

  ‘I see,’ Ashtoke agreed without having a single iota of a clue as to what this discussion was about. He was still trying to come to terms with Mr Gregorian’s odd attire. He managed to add, ‘The Grand Council?’ which at least got him back into the conversation.

  ‘Yes, they’re the governing body of Gloth and report to the Supreme Potentate,’ Calvino started to explain. ‘My grand father was the first Erdean to sit on the Grand Council and he opened the way for other non-Gloth representatives to be nominated. There are even one or two reptilian councillors now.’

  ‘However, there’s a dire need for a similar governing body here on Erde,’ Urban added, but Ashtoke was still suffering a brain spasm from the mention of reptilian councillors, so missed his opportunity to promote his Camera Stellata idea. Luckily, Calvino gave him another opening.

  ‘That’s why we’re interested in your proposal Lord Ashtoke.’

  With a small but noticeable hesitation, Ashtoke finally got his head somewhat into gear and started to make half sensible utterances that exceeded simply repeating, ‘I see.’ Trying to put a more business like look on his face, he finally got on with what he had come to Rome to discuss.

  ‘Thank you, that’s very kind of you sir,’ Ashtoke managed. While not a cutting or incisive reply, it was indeed a dramatic improvement on his input into the negotiations that he had just started to realise were underway.

  ‘So what can you deliver, and what do you need?’ Calvino asked, getting right down to the nitty-gritty of a deal. It took some moments for Ashtoke to translate the question he had just been asked, but Urban and Calvino politely gave him a little time to answer.

  ‘Well gentlemen,’ Ashtoke started to say and hesitated once again as he waited for his brain to function. ‘The last meeting of the Camera Stellata agreed to provisional funding of our interim activities and…..’

  ‘Let’s not worry about money Lord Ashtoke,’ Calvino interrupted. ‘What you consider money here on Erde is really quite valueless. We can supply it by the cruiser load if need be. I was thinking about more practical requirements.’

  ‘I see,’ Ashtoke decided to say as his head wondered what in God’s name a cruiser was. It did sound rather large though. ‘Eh, well, sir, eh, I would have to say that our first priority is to find a suitable venue for our meetings. The Star Chamber in London has been our home for hundreds of years and we believe in the traditions and history….’

  ‘No problem. I’m sure we can find, or even build something suitable here in Rom. Do you agree?’ Calvino asked Urban.

  ‘Oh undoubtedly,’ Urban replied. ‘Secure and out of sight I would imagine.’

  ‘Eh, yes,’ Ashtoke managed.

  ‘So how many members do you envisage? Urban asked.

  ‘Currently there are twenty members, but we have passed a resolution to expand this to twenty-five.’

  ‘Alright, simple. I’ll leave all that for you and His Holiness to sort out. Now, if you’re going to manage this little planet, you’ll certainly need some assistance to begin with. Communications, intelligence, monitoring and surveillance as a first priority. We can get you started with that. His Holiness has some good infrastructure in place, but I think you’ll need more wide ranging tools to get the job done effectively.’

  ‘Yes. Indeed,’ Ashtoke resorted to yet again as his brain was starting to overheat.

  ‘Look. Let’s get this moving. Probably the best way would be for you and a couple of your people to come to Gloth and we can run you through a few planet
control training programs. Can you liaise with Lord Ashtoke regarding this Your Holiness?’

  ‘Yes certainly Mr Gregorian,’ Urban replied obediently.

  ‘Gloth?’ was all Ashtoke could say.

  ‘Yes, I think that would be the best,’ Urban agreed.

  Lord Ashtoke sat quietly waiting for his head to stop pounding. He hadn’t felt this unwell since his recent sea voyage from England.

  *****

  Before leaving Rome, Ashtoke had a letter from Pope Urban, addressed to the members of the Camera Stellata, confirming the arrangements for financial support, secret accommodation, guidance and tutoring and the supply of instruments of control. The letter also carried the invitation for four members to be given some months of training in effective management control at a location to be advised. Ashtoke wondered how he would explain to the other members that this location that was to be advised was in fact on another planet. He felt his stomach churning and he hadn’t even boarded his vessel for his return voyage as yet.

  An Untimely Illness

  The Mediterranean is as far as seas and oceans go, quite calm. A few little storms from time to time yes, but nothing in comparison to the Pacific or Atlantic. It was however, just wavy enough to make Lord Ashtoke altogether quite ill indeed. Less than a day out from port, his face started to take on a nasty pale lime green shade. The ship’s doctor, Dr. Noweigh − who by way of qualifications was a little less, well in fact a long way less than qualified − was all at sea in his endeavours to rectify Ashtoke’s condition. As his medical kit comprised of only rum and a couple of semi-alive leeches, he was ill equipped to treat an elderly gentleman suffering from extreme sea sickness and who was about to suffer a more than mild heart attack. The doctor decided after arriving at his professional prognosis that Ashtoke’s condition did not require leeches, so therefore administered rum in liberal amounts to assist in stabilising his patient.