The Adventures of HAL: The Second Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 2) Read online

  The Adventures of HAL

  The Second Hilarious Glothic Tale

  by Derek Haines

  The Adventures of HAL

  Copyright © 2011 by Derek Haines

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  License Notes

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Disclaimer

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  The Glothic Tales

  The four Glothic Tales are stand-alone stories, so don’t panic if you mess up your arithmetic and read them in the wrong order, as all sense of time or logical sequence has been meticulously warped – for your reading convenience.

  February The Fifth

  The Adventures of Hal

  Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood

  March – A Tale of Salmon and Swedes

  ‘While some waste their time looking for the meaning of life, there are others who understand there is none and just get on enjoying the space they are renting.’

  The Adventures of HAL

  Erde

  The planet Gloth is located in a very small area in the very far bottom left hand corner of a long outer spiral arm of a galaxy called the Milky Way. Being the sixth planet from the sun in a system of twelve planets called Sun System One, it is conveniently located and benefits economically from being the central hub that lured the headquarters of literally thousands of industrial monopolies and is a tax haven for hundreds and hundreds of banks and lenders of last resort.

  Although history is rather vague about Gloth prior to its early civil wars, it has been well recorded that for millions of years or so, Gloth has always been in charge of everything, with the first recorded Supreme Potentate of Gloth being January the First. From then on, Gloth went about taking control of anything within their reach. Banks, businesses, planets, entire sun systems and even habitable asteroids. Usually with consummate success and highly profitable outcomes, which of course meant the economy ticked over very nicely, and kept the Gloth treasury coffers extremely well funded.

  There were of course the odd disaster or two here and there though. One of these was the attempt to economically exploit a hopelessly primitive planet called Erde. The problem with this smallish, greenish, bluish planet was that although handily located only a few planets away from Gloth itself, it had no economy. Ergo, no profit to be made by the bankers of Gloth. Being a planet populated only by animals, insects, fish and bacteria, Gloth considered a settlement there, but that would have taken far too long to establish a large enough population to be economically attractive and viable. Instead, they discovered a species of animal that was a very low level ancestor but genetically similar to Glothians and they decided to genetically transform these animals, apes and monkeys in particular, into intelligent and of course profitable beings. The program was called Hybridised Uniform Manipulation And Naturalisation. Or HUMAN for short. Responsibility for the entire program was given to the Glothic Oversight Detachment, or better known then simply as GOD.

  Although well planned, the program went off the rails so to speak, and instead of being an economic miracle, Erde descended into conflicts, wars and all sorts of nasty factions that quickly discovered how to efficiently kill each other. As the origins of these now reasonably intelligent beings were from very different species of monkeys, apes and a number of other banana eating creatures, they ended up being, well, different. With thousands of different languages and dialects, beliefs and traditions, colours and shapes, these various tribes laid claim to their own little patches of Erde. Countries, states, regions, cantons and counties, all neatly defined by thin little red lines that once crossed, meant certain trouble for the crossing tribe. Usually exchanging some nasty words before then proceeding habitually, to find ways to effectively kill each other.

  Gloth tried as best it could, but a planet divided into hundreds of little fiefdoms, all happily killing, maiming and raping each other and with no hope of ever establishing a single ruler, Erde was a certain recipe for economic disaster. In the end, Gloth just got fed up with the whole deal and left the sad Erdean creatures to sort out their own mess. Erdeans then quite happily went about finding new and exciting ways to kill each other while everyone else in the entire universe decided to give the hopeless little planet a very big miss.

  After abandoning the project for a thousand years or more, it was resurrected by the then Supreme Potentate of Gloth, December the Ninth, and an Erdean named Ugo Boncompagni. Better known as Pope Gregory the Thirteenth to people on Erde, he single-handedly dragged Erde back to economic viability and in doing so became a close associate of December the Ninth. So close in fact, he not only married December’s daughter, but he also went on to replace December the Ninth as the Supreme Potentate of Gloth. This was not to say that Erdeans had stopped killing, maiming, torturing and raping each other with their normal gay abandon, but Pope Gregory did manage to get some order in place. Well, just enough to make a profit.

  It was in the Erdean year of 1585 that Pope Gregory arranged his own Erdean death so he could move permanently to Gloth and rule over the whole Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth. After living eighty-three years on Erde, he lived for another fifty-five years on Gloth. This was a pity really, because just a few years after his ultimate demise, events back on Erde in 1641 would have interested him greatly. Luckily one of his successors as Pope on Erde was able to ensure Gloth prospered once more from its long-term investment in Erde. Maffeo Barberini, or later known as Pope Urban the Eighth, assisted greatly in ensuring that Gloth benefited from a new autocratic power on Erde.

  The Camera Stellata.

  The Final Sitting

  ‘By what right, may I ask?’

  ‘The Parliament will be passing an Act before the year is out.’

  ‘This is outrageous. How dare commoners interfere with matters about which they know nothing? It will rupture the whole essence of government, business, law and justice.’

  ‘I’m afraid it’s because of this renegade puritan, John Pym, and his Protestant followers.’

  ‘However did he come to lead the Parliament? It’s a travesty.’

  The King and Archbishop are equally perturbed by this Lord Ashtoke.’

  ‘As are we all. Will it be the Privie Councell next?’ Ashtoke asked his friend and colleague, the Earl of Goodwich.

  ‘One shudders at the consequences of this.’

  In 1641 with the passing of The Habeas Corpus Act 1640 as an Act of the Parliament of England, which carried the long title of ‘An Act for Regulating the Privie Councell and for taking away the Court commonly called the Star Chamber’, the members of what they preferred to call the Camera Stellata readied for their last meeting. And they were really very unhappy about it all.

 
‘Gentlemen, we now know of the great perversion that has been passed by the Parliament. Within weeks, the hundreds of years of achievements of our Camera Stellata will be reduced to ashes. Unless that is, we act now to ensure our selfless efforts continue,’ Lord Ashtoke said as he started the last official meeting of the Star Chamber.

  ‘Hear, hear,’ greeted his opening with agreeable nods from the other nineteen assembled members of the last sitting of the Camera Stellata.

  ‘It cannot be left to the rabble of commoners in our illegitimate parliament and the ignorance of our dilettante judiciary to decide on matters of state, law, justice and war. We must act to ensure continuity of our oversight.

  ‘These are courageous words Lord Ashtoke, but how are we to continue if we are tomorrow an illegal entity?’ Lord Emberly replied.

  ‘My dear Lord Emberly. It is only an act of an illegitimate parliament that has caused our current disquiet. It is my belief that we are a higher authority and as such can act in a manner that will ensure we continue.’

  ‘A law unto ourselves?’

  ‘We are the law my Lord. Would you not agree?’

  ‘I must say I agree,’ the Archduke of Chester stated. ‘We have a responsibility to redefine the law and act when its weaknesses have been clearly identified. We cannot leave this responsibility to common rabble.’

  ‘And what of the King, Lord Ashtoke?’ another member asked.

  ‘He is clearly manipulated by the Parliament hence hardly likely to risk his neck in this matter,’ Ashtoke started. ‘It is my firm belief that the future of the Camera Stellata is in our hands and with the passing of this treasonous Act, we have been gifted an opportunity.’

  ‘An opportunity Sir?’ Lord Ashbury asked in surprise.

  ‘Yes my dear Lords. Without the shackles of the monarchy and self-serving politicians, we can assume a more robust and defining role in matters of state. Not simply here in England, but throughout the civilised world. We cannot walk away and leave such important matters to the uneducated and corrupt. Nor can we rely on the Royal families and their selfish interconnections to come to rational decisions. We must work with the stable and influential institutions of states, countries and new colonies to ensure good governance.’

  While all the members of the Camera Stellata were in basic agreement that their work should continue, some were concerned as to the secretive nature that would be necessary, as well as the financial burden that would be placed on the twenty members to initiate the new body. After some hours of debate, they found a formula that was suitable to all members. It came finally to the Earl of Goodwich to summarise their agreement and ask for a formal vote on the motion.

  ‘The new independent Camera Stellata will meet before the end of the current year in suitable accommodation. This matter of location will be the responsibility of Lord Ashtoke and his three nominees and he will advise us of the results of his endeavours as soon as it is possible. Furthermore, the initial funds for establishing the new Camera Stellata will be furnished by all twenty members and future financing will be levied as deemed appropriate on institutions of influence. It is also agreed that the new Camera Stellata will comprise a maximum of twenty-five members with the appointment of the five new members agreed by majority vote. Additionally, decisions by the Camera Stellata must be passed with a minimum quorum of seventeen members and a minimum majority of twelve voices. A minimum of two meetings of the Camera Stellata shall occur every calendar year by the president’s arrangement, with additional or extraordinary meetings possible with the voices of five members. Membership of the Camera Stellata ceases only upon the death of a member and shall be replaced by the member’s heir. The presidency of the Camera Stellata will be held by the most senior member judged by age and shall have the responsibility of a deciding vote when necessary. Membership of the Camera Stellata is not to be disclosed to any living person, including heirs. All members swear to act in good faith to uphold the rule of law, decency and the common good in their decisions.’ The Earl paused as he concluded the reading of the motion. Then continued. ‘Gentlemen. May I ask for your vote on the motion?’

  The motion was carried unanimously as was the following motion electing Lord Ashtoke as the first president of the new independent Camera Stellata. All twenty members sat in silence as they considered their decision. After some moments, Lord Ashtoke rose from his chair and bowed his head in silent prayer. He was joined by the other members. It was some minutes before he spoke.

  ‘My Lords, this is the final sitting in the great hall that we have known as the Star Chamber. With it ends hundreds of years of dedication to England and the rule of law. We have taken a momentous decision today and will surely have many obstacles and hurdles that will challenge us. I thank you for the honour of presiding over the new Camera Stellata and swear that I will uphold my duty to you all. I bid you a good evening my Lords, and await our new beginning.’

  Within two days, Ashtoke arranged a hasty meeting with the Archbishop of Canterbury to discuss the increasing influence of the Puritans and the rise in Protestant politics. Both agreeing that it may pose a danger, not only to the Church of England, but also possibly the Crown.

  ‘Is it that you wish to personally contain this Puritan advance?’ the Archbishop asked.

  ‘No. Not merely contain, but to diminish its influence over time with the support of a number of like minded gentlemen.’

  ‘A political movement?’

  ‘No sir, simply a group of concerned, true Anglican Englishmen.’

  ‘Do you have reliable allies in this endeavour?’

  ‘As yet no. However I am seeking to find possible alliances that may assist.’

  ‘By this, do you mean morally or financially supportive?’

  ‘Both would be welcomed I am sure.’

  ‘Well sir, I can say without reservation that any opposition to the rise of Protestantism will be morally supported by the Church of England. Unfortunately, I doubt that our meagre finances would allow for any substantial financial contribution. However, I believe you may find the possibility of support in Rome.’

  ‘The Pope Sir?’ Ashtoke responded in mild shock.

  ‘Yes indeed. In the period since the rupture created by Henry the Eighth, we have maintained communication of course. At a very quiet and diplomatic level, but the Roman Catholics are naturally similarly opposed to such doctrines as Protestantism. Perhaps you may find a friendly ear there.’

  ‘My enemy’s enemy?’

  ‘As you wish Lord Ashtoke.’

  Before the summer of 1641 had finished, Lord Ashtoke made his travel arrangements for a short period of rest in Rome after the dissolution of the English Star Chamber. Albeit with a letter of introduction and a meeting confirmed at the Vatican with Pope Urban the Eighth. As he made his way there, Pope Urban was doing some preliminary investigation himself. At his next meeting with Calvino Gregorian, he wished to discuss a letter he had received from the Archbishop of Canterbury.

  Rom

  After nearly one thousand years of the Christian faith in England being under Papal authority, a hiatus of just over one hundred years was still all too soon for ties to be severed. As with many other political or religious rifts, the main players may stop talking, but below this level, communication and mutually beneficial cooperation continues. Even in times of war, there is often more effective communication and cooperation between the warring parties than in times of peace. Perhaps that’s how wars start. People forget to talk to each other.

  Lord Ashtoke suffered his journey badly. He was certainly not one who enjoyed long voyages at sea and spent much of his time being uncomfortably sick. Fortunately he had a little over a week to recover from his ordeal and convalesce in fine Roman accommodations and restaurants. He had no way of knowing that his little sea voyage was nothing in comparison to the voyages made by a selected few in Rome. Then again, a Cosmic Cruiser voyage to Gloth in Luxury Class was hardly comparable to a scurvy ridden wooden bucket floating ac
ross a lonely stretch of salty water. Unluckily for him, he would never experience the silver service, twice-baked Begrogol fillets and Myscopinian champagne served on a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser. He was however going to be shocked to learn that there was another planet in what he knew as the Solar System. Gloth. Hidden from view as its orbit was directly behind that of Alternus, or as he knew it, Jupiter. Until his forthcoming shock though, he happily convalesced on his generous Camera Stellata presidential allowances.

  *****

  ‘Your Holiness, I thank you dearly for making the time to meet with me,’ Lord Ashtoke said humbly as he was welcomed to the Vatican by Pope Urban the Eighth.

  ‘It is my pleasure, Lord Ashtoke. Please take a seat,’ Pope Urban replied in an extremely warm tone. ‘I trust your voyage from England was a pleasant one.’

  ‘Indeed, Your Holiness. Very pleasant,’ Ashtoke politely lied.

  ‘Excellent. For some, I know voyages by sea can be quite daunting but I have always enjoyed my days at sea. Wonderful company and at the same time, wonderful solitude. Very uplifting for the soul I would say.’

  ‘Yes indeed, Your Holiness,’ Ashtoke replied without exuberance and wondered where the old man may be going with this seafaring tale. He also wondered if the Pope had seen through his white lie.

  ‘Well, you will have your return voyage to look forward to,’ the Pope added with a smile. ‘Now we should probably discuss the letter I received from your Archbishop.’

  ‘Yes, Your Holiness,’ Ashtoke said, relieved that the sea voyage small talk had seemingly finished.

  ‘These Protestants are really starting to establish themselves in England I see.’

  ‘Yes. It is a matter of great concern to me and my like-minded Christian associates,’ Ashtoke replied and forgot to add Your Holiness. He corrected himself quickly. ‘I believe, Your Holiness, that although the rift between the Church of England and Rome has been unfortunate, we are of the same belief and represent true Christianity.’